By Lose Lavalle
Read or Download Eloise: Letters to a Lost Child PDF
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Extra resources for Eloise: Letters to a Lost Child
It is also a time when the rooms of the soul open up one by one, banging open their doors; when the windows of desire give onto infinite possibility. Only when everything sleeps peacefully can my deliriousness and wildness rise—there is no one to bring them into line. I want to go barefoot in the snow. I want to breathe in the cold, dry February air. The door opens on a mysterious space and I go forward into the icy snow, my heart full of desire. Shivers race up my spine as I start to run, alone and laughing, in the cutting cold under an astonished moon.
Each time we left, nothing could make me leave behind this feeling of weakness, knowing we were leaving without you, seeking pleasure as a family while excluding you. No baggage was as heavy to ELOISE, LETTERS TO A LOST CHILD 49 carry as knowing you were elsewhere, and the trip home always lightened this load as it brought me closer to you. Guilty of sleep when you were sick in the next ropm, having to close your door so as not to hear your desperate breathing. Guilty of the beauty of my own body beside your scoliosis, your dislocated hip, your swollen gums, your deformed spasticity and your pretty mouth, ungraciously held open by gravity Guilty, finally, of remaining alive and of your ultimate abandonment.
I still resist. As strongly as I can. Can you tell me where I can find rest when everything slides around me, when reality is fluid, ungraspable, when my own emptiness makes me dizzy? I want neither to understand nor accept. My anger is insistent. I drum my hand on the tight skin of my pain in search of a magic incantation. I am tired, but the ever-turning continues in me, by the bird fields or in the star fields, in search of your planet. Will ever I meet you one day, one night, in the meadow's wild grasses or in a comet's vapor?